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Transformers: The Last Knight

Overall Rating: 4/10 | read time 3 minutes

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

I just… I don’t know why I continue to watch these films. Maybe it’s out of morbid curiosity. Maybe it’s out of boredom. Maybe it’s out of wanting to share a laugh with a friend. Or maybe it’s because deep down, I want to one day be surprised and stunned by a well-made Transformers film. Maybe I want to be able to watch one without perpetually gagging. Maybe I just want to be truly satisfied for once with a Transformers film… But I fear I’m not going to get it any time soon. Once again, Michael Bay has made an abomination, and I have to wonder why people continue to allow him to do so. I almost fell asleep several times throughout the film. If I can say one positive thing about this film, it would be that the underwater scenes were beautiful, and the jellyfish looked nice. My favorite part about a Transformers film… was the jellyfish. I really don’t have anything else positive to say, so I’m just going to go off on this film now.

RATING CHANGE:

Transformers: 7/10

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: 5/10

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: 6/10

Transformers: Age of Extinction: 4/10

Criticisms/Nitpicks/Unnecessary Observations:

Merlin being played comedically was asinine, and his modern day mannerisms already set the tone for what was going to be one of the worst films yet in this terrible franchise

So Transformers just keep landing on Earth and seek refuge in Cuba because every other country is killing them? Okay

The “creators” that appear in the 4th installment are seen with organic flesh, and yet when Optimus goes to meet one of the creators, Quintessa specifically, she is all machine

Optimus is frozen and strikes Cybertron like a meteorite, and somehow lands in a perfect pose

Bumblebee can just pull himself together, literally, when he is damaged or has parts that have fallen off? Where is the danger? HIS HEAD CAME OFF AND HE LIVED

Barricade, the police car Decepticon died twice before. Once in the direct comic tie-in, and again in the 3rd film. Why do they keep ignoring the continuity?

Megatron can now shoot flames from his fusion cannon, but only does it in one scene for dramatic effect

Izabella is an unnecessary and annoying character who is somehow let aboard a military chopper in the fight against the Decepticons

Cybertron looks like it is several times larger than Earth in the 3rd film, but is only slightly larger than the moon in this one

Almost half of Cybertron is destroyed in the 3rd film, but it appears to merely be broken into fragments in this one

Megatron is no longer going by Galvatron? AND he doesn’t need to become a bunch of tiny cubes again? Sure

Transformers are having more and more human features on their faces and it bothers me to no end

Why even have that epic-looking polo game?

How did the Dinobots have children?

Why did the Dinobots pop out of the ground?

There are Transformers who literally pop up and disappear after the camera cuts to something else and they are never seen from again. It’s as if they’ve been misplaced

Why didn’t Megatron just kill Hound when he had the chance to?

DID THEY REALLY NEED THAT SUICIDE SQUAD STYLE SCENE WHERE THEY INTRODUCE THE DECEPTICONS?!

DREADBOT AND BERSERKER ARE THE EXACT DESIGNS OF CROWBAR AND CRANKCASE FROM THE 3RD FILM

WHY DOES MEGATRON EVEN NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH LAWYERS ABOUT THE RELEASE OF HIS MINIONS?! HE’S MEGATRON. HE DOESN’T TALK TO LAWYERS

WHY DO THEY BUILD UP THESE DECEPTICONS IN THEIR INTROS, AND GIVE THEM UNIQUE PERSONALITIES, ONLY TO KILL MOST OF THEM OFF A FEW SCENES LATER?!

VIVIANE WAS AN OKAY CHARACTER UNTIL SHE WAS FUMBLING AND DROOLING OVER MARK WAHLBERG’S CHARACTER ONCE HE SHOWED HIS ABS

WHY DID THEY MAKE ANTHONY HOPKINS COMIC RELIEF?!

ROBOT DEMENTIA IS A THING?!

CYBERTRON LOOKS LIKE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF HONEYCOMBS, WITH NO BUILDINGS. IS THAT REALLY WHAT THEIR HOME WAS LIKE?!

COGMAN WAS INSUFFERABLE

WHY DIDN’T HOTROD USE HIS TIME-STOPPING WEAPON MORE OFTEN?!

BUMBLEBEE JUST… APPEARS WHEN OPTIMUS RETURNS AND INCAPACITATES A COUPLE OF KNIGHTS, AND HE JUST STANDS THERE DOING NOTHING

WHY DOES ANTHONY HOPKINS SACRIFICE HIS LIFE IN THE MOST MEANINGLESS WAY POSSIBLE?!

OPTIMUS WAS HYPED UP TO BE BRAINWASHED/EVIL IN EVERY TRAILER, AND HE WAS ONLY THAT WAY FOR ONE OR TWO SCENES

BUMBLEBEE ONLY SPOKE BECAUSE THE PLOT DEMANDED IT, AND IT MADE NO SENSE

WHY WOULD OPTIMUS ASK “DID YOU FORGET WHO I AM?” TO A BUNCH OF DECEPTICONS BEFORE KILLING THEM, AND THEN ANSWERING THAT HE IS OPTIMUS PRIME?!

MEGATRON PRESUMABLY LIVES AGAIN, SO WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER MOVIE

IF OPTIMUS CAN FLY, THEN WHY DOES HE TRANSFORM INTRO A TRUCK TO GET THE PEOPLE TO SAFETY?!

“STING LIKE A BEE”?!?!?! OH SWEET MERCIFUL LORD, THAT WAS TERRIBLE

Summary: It was a horrible and bombastic assault on my senses and you should stay clear of it before you get contaminated. See you in the theaters.

Below is an idea of some of the yaks available at Holston River Outfitters (these aren’t the exact yaks but kinda like it…they are LEGIT..just wanted to show these so you don’t think just because they are out in the country that their kayaks are not old logs with milk jugs tied to ’em).